(Trigger Warning – Mental Chaos, Disordered Eating, and Religious Exploration)

Originally Published June 25, 2023

“Question Your Beliefs”

It’s January 2015, and I am on a tour across the country to find myself. I’m 25 years old and freshly out of a toxic 3-year relationship. My boyfriend got secretly engaged and I am beyond crushed. When I found out I packed my belongings from our three-bedroom apartment into two large suitcases. Then I book a one-way ticket from Detroit to Orlando, say fuck you to my ex, and hop on a plane. It’s time to do some soul-searching.

I am also 5 months into my first 4-year sobriety journey and losing my mind. Since I was a teenager, I covered up all my issues with alcohol, and now, without it, they are exploding out of me at an alarming rate.

Essentially I have designed my own messy version of Eat Pray Love, except it is called Quit, Run, Fuck. My mania is the only fuel I need for my expedition. I am fit, confident as hell, and have nothing to lose.

I spend the next decade of my life traveling around the country and living with all different people. I move when I’m manic and hide and sleep when I’m depressed. My mood spirals dictate my life. I have no stability, and I feel like I am on fire. 

During the early part of my quest across the US, I am so manic I can barely breathe. I go from intense anxiety to full-blown panic attacks. The unpredictability is causing me to go 90 miles per hour without slowing down.

I, of course, broadcast every part of my Quit, Run, Fuck Tour loudly on social media. Naturally, people are entertained and terrified, as they should be.

When I arrive in Florida, I find a fancy camping resort on the ocean and secure my spot. Everyone has enormous RVs and sports cars, and I have two suitcases and a tent. I have a blow-up mattress, a scale, dried health foods, and many clothes in my new tent that I call home. My energy level goes through the roof for the next few weeks, and I can’t stop moving. I run on the beach, do vacation babysitting jobs, and take hundreds of selfies.

When I am mentally unwell, I ignore all of my problems and get infatuated with “helping others.” My life purpose is to save the world from being fat. I get obsessed with making 10-minute bathroom workouts on YouTube and posting multiple times daily on Instagram and Facebook. I can’t stay off the computer when I’m high on life.

My thoughts are so loud that I can barely feel my body, which leads to injury after injury. But I refuse to stop. All I care about is looking good and going fast. In my delusional head, I believe if I lose enough weight, my brain will be fixed… No such luck.

My ex flies to Coco Beach Florida because he thinks I am losing my mind. He is correct, but I still have enough sense not to return with him. He did me dirty, and I made him feel incredibly bad. In his guilt he sponsors my trip across the states. He continues to send me money to various Western Union locations until I end up back in the Midwest. I am broke and broken and getting sicker by the day.

I know I need to start making my own money, though. On my tour, I went to several job interviews at each location and got every position I applied for. I am so captivating and charismatic that no one can say no.

I talk the talk confidently and look fabulous, but deep down, I know it’s all a joke. I have no mental capacity to keep any employment at this time. I am hopped up on diet pills, starving myself, barely sleeping, and ready to burn as many bridges as I can. So I do.

After I could no longer handle my head, I packed my camping supplies and took another plane to Vegas. I am getting crazier by the day and can’t stay anywhere for too long. I need constant changing scenery so I don’t freak out. When I arrive in Sin City, I say, “If I can make it sober in Vegas, I can make it anywhere.” And I do. But it sucks.

Vegas is a sad, dark place sober. I go on runs up and down the strip and dance at nightclubs, drug and alcohol-free. On my 3rd night, I hooked up with a well-known DJ whose number I had slipped earlier that day. We meet up, go out for milkshakes, he gives me a rim job, and I get on a Greyhound bus and head to the West Coast.

I had only visited California once before this and had no idea where I was going. I arrived at a bus station in San Diego and jumped in a cab. I told the driver to take me somewhere fun, and he did. I ended up at a hostel on the beach. Beautiful people from all over the world were staying here, and I was officially in heaven.

Within a week, I got three jobs, a nice place to stay, and met cool friends. I work at a gym during the day and a bar at night. I also clean a yoga studio during my lunch breaks. By this point, I am the fittest I have ever been, but I still think I’m a fat ass.

My bipolar is the opposite of stable. I constantly feel out of control and like I’m going to gain weight if I eat one wrong thing. I began having severe panic attacks that happened randomly and mostly in public. I do my best to exercise my way out of them. But nothing helps. I am on fire and need to go. Now.

I quit all my jobs through text messages, packed up my shit, and headed to the train station. I close my eyes and trace my finger up and down the California Coast. When I check where I landed, it says San Luis Obispo (SLO). I have no idea what this place is like, but I booked a ticket and got on a train.

This whole time, I am searching for someone or something or somewhere to fix me. All I want is to be okay. But as I attempt to run away from my bipolar, it only gets worse. I am on the run from my own head – I forget it’s connected to my body.

By this point, I’m so desperate that I’m willing to try anything. The only time I have ever been drawn to a “higher power” or anything biblical is when I’m out of my mind manic. Ding. Ding. Ding. Here I am. Maybe I need god? Whatever god means… I have never practiced religion, but I am open to it. I just have this gut feeling that there is something more to life, and I am determined to find it.

I get to the hostel in SLO and settle in with remarkable people. This place is truly magical: rolling hills, dusted with tiny shops and beautiful views. It is a small, peaceful city with loving hippies walking about. I firmly believe that if I can find the right place, my brain disorder will be cured… Once again, it is not happening.

Now it’s time to pretend I will get and keep a job. Per usual, I get hired everywhere I go. One of the jobs I get is at a vegan cafe, where I had my first out-of-body religious experience.

As I walk into Bliss Vegan Cafe, I am blown away by the calm and safe atmosphere. Everything is bright, colorful, and radiant. I approach the counter and am met by a 6-foot, slender blonde with a gorgeous smile and soothing energy. As we began chatting, she could tell I was struggling hard. She looks at me and says, “You must slow down and open your heart. You are going too fast. You need to pause.” She presses my shoulder blades back to expose my heart. I immediately cross my arms and say, “No, I am not ready. My heart is broken.”

She is calm, and I am on edge. She giggles and says, “You can’t keep running away from your feelings. You need to face them and heal.” Once again, I get uncomfortable and defensive. I look into her pretty brown eyes and say, “I am so confused and lost. I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. I need help. I need guidance.” She grabs my hand and walks me out to the back patio deck. She smirks and says, “Go talk to them.” And she gives me a nudge.

I look out and see a beautiful stream that flows through the trees with birds singing quietly. There is a monastery with dozens of bald, tan men in orange robes. They are peaceful and serene. They are quiet and calm. They are the complete opposite of me. I go closer to them, and tears start falling down my cheeks. I feel a warming energy all over my body. I am surrounded by love and comfort. As I approach them, I feel like I am in a trance. Everything goes quiet around me.

I try to wipe the tears from my face and clear my throat. I look at them and say, “I don’t know where to go or what to do. I am sad and hurt. My mind is so loud that I feel crazy.” One of them reaches out and hands me a yellow book called the Bhagavad Gita. I grab it and cry harder. Another man looks at me and says, “You need to get silent and go within. It is time to learn how to get still and slow down. All the answers come when you are quiet and calm.”

They give me great advice that I’m not yet ready to take. It does spark my interest in a higher power, though. I looked at the yellow book and read parts of it during the rest of my journey. I even tried chanting, and it did calm me down. But I am in no state to comprehend anything at this point. I put that experience behind me and didn’t think about it again until years later.

I go through phases of spiritual exploration. I meet people from all over the globe with different faiths and religious practices. I learned there is a difference between being religious and being brainwashed. I date Muslims, Jewish men, Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, and people of the Baha’i faith. The many different gods and religions blow my mind, but which one works best for who I am becoming?

My tour goes on, and as I travel through California and Oregon, I search for someone or something to fix me for years. How much I learn doesn’t matter; I still want an easy way out—a method or magic pill to solve all my problems. But there isn’t one. I didn’t start to wake up until I moved to Colorado in my late 20s. I finally realize it doesn’t matter where I go, who I’m with, or what I believe. No god is coming down to save me. I have to save myself.

What truly sparks my awakening and consciousness isn’t god, though. It is the many uncomfortable and challenging conversations that people have with me. Friends and family cut me off because they can’t handle my negligence anymore. I also have dates that tell me that I’m a complete victim who lives in the past. They tell me I need to move into the present and take control of my life. Of course, this shit hurts to hear. It tore me up inside. But it also saved my life.

As I neared my 30th birthday, I was exhausted from trying to run away from myself. The instability and chaos were ruining my life. I finally decided I was ready to stay and learn how to manage my brain disorder. The first step was to take accountability for my actions and stop blaming others. I needed to learn balance and respect myself for the first time. I also had to get on a mood stabilizer if I wanted a fighting chance to live a healthy and productive existence.

Taking ownership of my life is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I didn’t have a choice. As I grow and age, I realize building a stable foundation is the key to any goal I want to achieve. Along with a healthy routine, medication, sobriety, and flexible employment, I also need a spiritual community for hope and guidance.

My studies made me realize that I most align with the Buddhist path. The goal of Buddhism is to become enlightened and reach Nirvana. Nirvana is attained through fasting, meditation, and devotional practices that eliminate all greed, hatred, and ignorance within a person. Nirvana signifies the end of the cycle of death and rebirth. The four virtues of Buddhism are kindness, compassion, empathic joy, and equanimity.

Buddhists do not believe in a god or deity. They worship Buddha and believe he was a man who once lived and became enlightened. Prayers and rituals aim to generate positive spiritual energy for the benefit of all beings, with good intentions being the most important offering. In Buddhism, there is an underlying goal of improving and bettering the mind, precisely what I needed to do.

Fasting and meditation make me feel clear, calm, focused, and energized. Through my mindfulness practice, I am restructuring and healing my brain. When I intermittent fast, I don’t have to work out like a maniac to lose/manage my weight. I felt at ease and comfortable in my skin for the first time. Daily self-work makes my intuition stronger, and I feel much more peaceful. Now, I do my best to surrender, let go of the past, and stop trying to control everything.

Often, we look outside ourselves for an expert or someone who has all the answers. But you are the only one who truly knows what is right for you! No magic pill or savior can fix your life; only you can. When you learn how to get safe and quiet with yourself, all the answers come naturally. It takes a lot of work, but with YouTube University, anything is possible. You got this!!

Fortunately, my adventurous journey has brought me to a beautiful place in my life. I am now living in Portland, Oregon, with my excellent partner and doing what I love daily. I have a great routine, which includes daily meditation, 16:8 intermittent fasting, eating primarily plants, yoga, running, lifting, reading, and writing, and I take my Seroquel 400 mg every night. I will always be on the bipolar spectrum, but it is much more manageable now. The highs aren’t as insane, and the lows aren’t as devastating.

No one likes messy, confusing, hurtful times, but they can be the most significant catalyst for a new beginning—an excellent, fresh start to find inner peace. And for me, that is what true success is.