(Trigger Warning – Substance Abuse, Depression, and Sexual Fuckery)

Originally Published April 5, 2023

“My least favorite place to be is in active addiction”

It’s May 2003, and I’m 14 years old. My childhood best friend and I have decided that it’s our turn to get drunk for the very first time. We sneak into my parent’s liquor cabinet, find a cheap Kessler’s Whiskey bottle, and pour it into a water bottle. Then we go into the garage, grab some of my Dad’s Busch Light beers, and put them in my backpack. We take a walk to the backyard near our hunting shack and prepare to get litty titty.

“Gross!” We both scream as we guzzle down the brown liquor. My sister watches us in horror and chooses not to participate. She repeatedly tells us that this is a terrible idea, and she is most definitely right.

As the night goes on, we continue to drink more whiskey and start getting a buzz. After two hours or so, we end up drunk as skunks and head back into my living room. We sit on the couch and watch my Mom’s headlights shine through the window. “Shit!” We both giggle as my Mom parks her car.

It’s officially Mother’s Day, and this is a present that my Mom will never forget. As she opens the front door and walks into the house, she asks us why we are acting so funny. Then my sister bursts out, “Mom! They’re drunk!” My Mom laughs and says, “Knock it off, girls.” My sister shrieks again, “I’m serious, Mom, Mom! They drank your whiskey!”

As my Mom started getting upset, I tried to stand up but fell to my knees. I suddenly feel the room spinning and feel very sick. I crawl across the floor and puke a big, brown, chunky puddle all over our white carpet. “Oh my god, Leeanna!” My Mom screams. Then my friend gets nervous and cries, “Please don’t tell my parents. Please! They’ll kill me.” By this point, my Mom is super pissed, but she decides we should sleep it off.

Bright and early the next morning, my Mom wakes us up and asks, “How are you feeling today, little party girls?” We both slump down and accept the breakfast she has cooked. Then she goes to the liquor cabinet and grabs the watered-down whiskey. “Do you girls want another drink?” We both gag and plead no. “I never want to catch you girls doing this again.” We both agree and shake our heads.

You would think that this experience would deter me from drinking again, but it only made me want to do it more. I loved the way alcohol helped me escape and took me to a magical place. In my mind, I was always one drink away from a good time. I became obsessed with partying and getting my hands on booze in any way I could. I started binge drinking at the age of 15, and I drank just like my parents did – A lot and fast. From the first time it hit my lips, I had no control.

I started getting smashed and doing foolish things at parties that everyone would discuss the following week at school. To name a couple – I peed my pants at a graduation party and got the nickname piss pants Barbie doll. Then I gave head to one of my

boyfriends with gum in my mouth and tangled it all around his nuts, and they started calling me bubble balls.

I would also get shit-faced and walk around parties naked. I did so many embarrassing things that I have no recollection of. The more stupid acts I did, the more I wanted to drink so I could pretend they never happened.

I will never forget when one of my girlfriends pulled me aside at school and said, “You know, if you blackout, that means you’re an alcoholic, right?” My face turned bright red. Holy Shit… At that instant, I knew I was in trouble because I was blacking out almost every weekend.

I began having random one-night stands at 16. The more drunk I got, the better. I couldn’t wait to fade into the night and into some guy’s bed. I barely recall the hundreds of dicks and occasional clits I fucked. I never had an orgasm. It wasn’t about pleasure; it was about the thrill and escaping in any way I could.

Along with the drinking came a lot of lying to my friends and family, and that put a significant strain on my relationships. I was constantly sneaking out of the house and stealing alcohol.

One morning, I was so drunk I tried to creep back in through the basement window, and I ended up slamming my head and cracking it into pieces. My Dad found it the next night, questioned me about it, and blamed it on my 7-year-old brother. I said he was playing football with his friend and broke it. My brother cried when he was screamed at, and I just turned my head; I was shameless.

When I got to Milwaukee for college and entered my 20s, binge drinking became even more serious. What was my drink of choice? Beer, hard liquor, wine, you name it, and I chugged it. Wisconsin people can outdrink anyone. I’m not joking. I have never seen anything like it in the ten states I have resided in or the thousands of people I have partied with.

My relationship with alcohol was – the more, the better. Shots, shots, shots.

As for the drugs, I didn’t need them.

Alcohol had always been enough to ruin my life and kill my dreams. I tried coke 2x and ketamine once. Not my style. But I did do a lot of trailer park cocaine (Adderall) throughout college and took enough Benzos to numb out the whole neighborhood.

During my heaviest drinking times, I was so empty that I would do anything to fill the deep, dark hole inside of me. I felt lonely, horny, and hungry. I would often have one guy over in the morning, let him pump and dump, and then I would invite over another guy later for more. I was a sloppy slut with no boundaries and no desire to stop.

Sometimes, I would sleep with three guys in one day. I would tell these men I loved them, do crazy sex stunts, blackout, and barely remember who was inside me the night before. You could be in line with me at the grocery store, and I wouldn’t know that we fucked. Hundreds of people have stories about me that I have no memory of…Creepy right?

I would also frantically send long threads of text messages (psycho ex-girlfriend style) to guys, friends, and family members and then delete them right away so I wouldn’t have to remember the stupid shit I said in my panic and manic modes.

I have always had a deep fear of commitment and growing up. I just wanted to go fast to the next place, the next rush, the next weekend, the next hookup, the next party, and the next drink. Anything to avoid all of the humiliating stories I had piled up.

I knew from a young age that I had a problem with drinking, but that didn’t mean I was ready to quit. I started alcohol counseling at 21 years old, and my therapist told me that I had a 90% chance of becoming an alcoholic since both of my parents were. Shit… Then he said, “You can try to moderate, but ultimately, it will be a battle for you. Abstaining from alcohol completely will be a much easier and safer option.”

Those words were burned into my brain, and I couldn’t unhear them. Addiction is a sneaky thing. One day, you’re partying with all your friends, and then you’re actively adulting with a substance abuse issue.

Drinking made me feel safe, which is ironic because it led me to the most dangerous situations. Open bars were my weakness. If there was free unlimited booze, I quickly lost all control. I have flashbacks of getting so drunk that I can’t remember anything past the first hour. I passed out in hotels, airports, house parties, bars, yards, and beds.

The guilt is what kept me guzzling. I was a traumatized bipolar party girl drifting from one drink to another dick, to another high, to another horrible hangover. The more pleasure I sought, the more miserable I became. My dopamine receptors were maxed out, and I was lower than low.

At the age of 24, a profound realization dawned on me. Most of the problems I had in my life in the previous decade were all from alcohol. My acne, my depression, my weight gain, my anxiety, my memory loss, getting in trouble, losing my belongings, my money problems – It was all from drinking.

The first time I got sober was in 2014. From the ages of 25 to 29, I cut out all alcohol, and it sucked. I was more miserable than I was when I was drinking. It is overwhelming when you have to look at all your problems and mistakes clearly for the first time in 10 years.

I felt so much regret, shame, and embarrassment from all the things I had done in the past when I was drunk. I was very insecure about my life and turned into a judgemental and dogmatic fitness freak. I would send horrible emails and texts and post things on social media that hurt my friends and family. It was a dark and lonely time for me.

During my first sobriety run, I was unstable as hell because I rapidly switched addictions. My nervous system was so unregulated from all of the trauma trapped inside me that I couldn’t be in the quiet unaltered. I bounced between diet pills, excessive exercise, heavy psychiatric medications, speed, and chill pills. I would yo-yo diet, oversleep, barely work, and blame my bipolar disorder for everything.

I just wanted something or someone to fix me. I prayed for a magic pill that would cure all of my bullshit, but I slowly realized that there wasn’t one. To my horror, I knew I would have to do a ton of work on myself if I wanted a decent life. But I wasn’t ready, so I chose denial instead.

I would go through tremendous highs and lows. At times, I barely slept, and my anxiety was through the roof, then I would crash into debilitating depression. Over and over and over. I felt worn out and hopeless. There was even a time when I considered going on disability because my life had become such a nightmare. Let’s say that rock bottom has a basement, and I had a long-term lease.

Along with the alcohol, I developed a heavy marijuana addiction in my late 20s. At first, smoking was a fun and social thing, but then it became a horrible habit that stole months at a time from me. It made me so depressed, unmotivated, and fat. I just wanted to get high as fuck and sleep my life away.

At first, I used edibles, and then I started to binge-smoking flower. Instead of blacking out, I was greening out. I became trapped and didn’t care about my life anymore. I was high as fuck all the time because I couldn’t face my crazy past. The joke was on me, though, because all of my problems were always ten times worse every morning after smoking and drinking.

In 2019, I finally had one of those big wake-up moments; at the time, I was taking eight different psychiatric medications and was in complete victim mode. All I did was complain about my hard life and make excuses for my behavior. I was being a total loser.

One day, I woke up and looked at all the pill bottles scattered around my room. I felt clear and angry for the first time in a long time. I asked myself, “Leeanna, do you want to stay sick, or do you want to get better?” Then I screamed, “I’m not sick!! I’M NOT SICK. I am not fucking sick.” At that moment, I knew I was going to die if I didn’t start to clean up my life. So I did. But I didn’t do it alone. I reached out for help, and that made all the difference.

It was a challenging and lengthy process, but I slowly began to dig myself out of the dark hole I had fallen into the previous decade. I thought the world owed me because I had a hard childhood and mental health problems. Boy, was I ever wrong. The world didn’t owe me shit. I had to stop being a victim and complaining about my past and move into the present moment. I had to get radically honest with myself and start solving my problems instead of bitching about them. I found solace in therapy, yoga, online support groups, and self-help books. These resources, along with my determination, were instrumental in my recovery.

For years, I hated myself and had to work hard to learn to love myself again. And to do that, I had to stop making flimsy excuses and become curious about long-term sobriety. It was so complex and daunting, but I had no other option. The key was to stop blaming the world and take ownership of my life. I had to learn to forgive myself for my messy past and start making my inner dialogue kinder. This journey of self-love is what inspired me to keep going.

Getting sober doesn’t fix everything; it’s quite the opposite. Sobriety allows you to have the space and awareness to begin healing your trauma and cleaning up your life. First, the hardest part is not remembering, and then the most challenging part is remembering everything. The flashbacks were intense, and I cried a lot, but I let myself feel sad, and I started writing about my pain. It took immense courage to face my past, but it was a step towards empowerment.

Initially, I was terrified to process everything and face all of my trauma. I would mourn my old life cause I didn’t know how to live my new one yet. I had a pattern of escaping because I thought it was easier, but the temporary high caused me way more pain than pleasure. I finally decided that running away from myself was no longer an option.

In early sobriety, I always glamorized drinking and smoking, thinking that I was missing out. But then I realized I used to live to drink and get high, and now I’m only alive because I stopped. Every single day in recovery, I get better – compared to when I used and boozed, every day got much worse.

The shittiest part of addiction is thinking that you NEED a substance to have a good time or to chill out. Believe me, I was there, and it is total bullshit. When I am in active addiction, I am selfish and unable to feel gratitude or close to anyone around me. There could be 100 people in the room, and I would feel all alone with my addictions. My only priority was getting faded.

Just like anything, practice makes perfect, which also goes for sobriety. I learned that being sober doesn’t mean being healthy. I started to realize that every single thing I put into my body was either healing or damaging. Every high has a low, and the lows blow butthole.

Every time I picked up drinking and smoking again, I would go hard because I knew deep down that I was going to have to quit again. It wasn’t enjoyable; it felt like a prison cell. My relapses got shorter and shorter because being altered became a nightmare that I couldn’t wait to get out of. I finally realized I want my health, goals, and close relationships more than a buzz.

Another reason I have decided to practice lifelong sobriety from alcohol is that all the training and work I did on myself would completely disappear when I started using. Right when I indulged, I would completely lose all self-control. The old me would return, and I would go into a horrible autopilot mode, speeding towards my next crash. When I use substances, my brain literally changes, and I become a different person. A person that I no longer want to be.

No matter how much I grow and change, I can never erase my past. All I know is that being in active addiction was hell for me. I was rushing through, trying to be busy, and going crazy checking boxes off the never-ending to-do list. It was pure insanity and misery.

Now I am done pretending getting busier or numbing out will heal me because it won’t. The longer I avoided my truth, the more miserable I became. I numbed out for 33 years; it is time for something new.

Today, I look back and want to hug my younger self. I used to run away, and now I go closer to anything that makes me uncomfortable. For me, it isn’t about moderation; it’s about honesty. Having honest conversations with my friends and loved ones who are struggling with substance abuse and mental illness. We are all addicted to something, and it’s time to drop the judgemental bullshit.

Being sober is my only option now. THANK GOD. I am much more self-aware and able to decode my behavior and patterns. I crave intense experiences and challenges, and I don’t like surface-level interactions.

My memory has improved. I sleep so much deeper and dream again. My mental and physical health are the best they have ever been. But my favorite part is getting to know myself on a deeper level and loving myself louder every single day. I no longer want to escape; I just want to create beautiful memories—ones that I will actually remember.

Cheers to doing what is best for YOU!!

If you are struggling with substance abuse, you are not alone.

Here is a free and confidential hotline –

Dial 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

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Your new life will cost you your old one, which is worth it.

Take the first step towards freedom.

I love you!