(A disturbingly delightful poem)

I have built my own prison during my lifetime.
I think we all have.
Other people’s opinions and societal expectations live under my skin.

Every morning, cortisol shoots through my body and wakes me up.
It is time to start my daily ritual of worrying about things.
I love to worry.
Overthink. Overanalyze. Catastrophize. And scare myself.

I slowly pack up my worries and put them in my fanny pack.
I go to my car and drive around with them.
I even talk to them.

I ruminate and wrap the worries around my bones.
Self compassion, hell no.
But I have compassion for everyone else in the world.

I have created a pressure cooker in my body.

I can barely move or think for myself anymore.
The more I listen to others, the more I lose myself.
So I change myself as much as I can.

My mind whispers –
Please don’t reject me.
Please accept me.
I promise I will be perfect.

My black and white thinking has kept me trapped in my head.
There is so much judgment and unrealistic expectations.
I constantly feel like a failure.

I replay every conversation and situation.
Every mistake causes heart palpations and panic attacks.
Constantly wishing I could go back and fix my past.
But I can’t let go.
My emotional baggage has become my best friend.

I feel like a bad dog who needs to be punished. 

My body gets soaked in shame, regret, and greasy guilt.
I get stuck in survival mode.
I feel like a robot malfunctioning.

So I escape my pain by seeking pleasure.

I binge eat, drink, smoke, fuck, shop, pill, and sleep myself into a hole.
I gain 15 pounds and obsess about my belly pooch and double chin.
Then I run, diet, work, lose 10 pounds, and still feel like crap.

My lower self and higher self get into violent fist fights. 

Bipolar, CPTSD, and OCD. How many diagnoses can one have?
So I do everything in my power to “fix” myself.

I play self help podcasts and mindfulness talks on repeat.
I meditate. I exercise. I chant. I journal. I repeat affirmations. I get sober.
I work like a maniac. I write. I manifest. I do good deeds. I go to therapy. I read.

Still the worry is there.

What the fuck is worry anyway?
Am I really as anxious as my parents were?
Yup. Every damn day…

Until I woke up one morning and screamed enough of this shit!

I don’t want to be perfect anymore.
I don’t want to care so much about stupid shit.
I don’t want to spend all my waking hours worrying.
I just want to enjoy my life.

Ha. Ha. Easier said than done.

I start staying no to my paranoid thoughts.
I stop letting my anxiety run wild.
I take deep breaths, ground myself, and stop spinning in my brain storm.
I forgive myself. Then blame myself. Then forgive. Over and over.

Slowly I realize there is no escape route and I face myself.

I break up with self sabotage and all or nothing thinking.
I begin to seek peace over perfection.
Each lesson is like a new level of my own video game.

Layer by layer I free myself from my societal cage I have danced in my whole life.

I decide that I am done hurting myself.
Instead of my own worst enemy,
I am becoming my own best friend.

I slowly realize that I CAN be kind to myself.
And so can YOU.

Give yourself permission to free yourself from your cage.
Only you have the key.

You are enough.
You can do it.

Time to enjoy this ONE beautiful life we get.

Are you with me?