(Trigger Warning – Substance Abuse and Suicidal Ideation)

“My anxiety has anxiety”

Originally Published January 29th 2025 

Anxiety has been a significant part of my life since childhood; you could say it’s one of my closest companions. I often find myself trapped in a cycle of worrying and envisioning worst-case scenarios. I can lie in bed for hours, my mind racing with destructive thoughts.

My relationship with anxiety feels toxic, and I struggle to find a way out. It confines me in my own head; escaping it feels impossible. This constant turmoil steals my joy and clouds my judgment, leaving me unable to make sound decisions. 

Honestly, I can’t even remember what life feels like without anxiety, worry, obsessiveness, and panic. For over a decade, I’ve been caught in devastating mood spirals. By my mid-30s, my life had devolved into a dangerous mental health battle, often leading me to wish for a permanent end to my suffering. Although I had considered that path before, I realized it wouldn’t solve anything. I knew I had to dig deeper.

So, what is anxiety? According to Google, anxiety is intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. It causes symptoms such as a fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feelings of tiredness. Anxiety is the most common mental disorder globally and can lead to social isolation and clinical depression. It can impair a person’s ability to work, study, and perform routine activities, often harming relationships with friends, family, and colleagues. It’s common for depression and anxiety to co-occur.

What does anxiety feel like for me? It feels hot, like a tea kettle about to boil over. I experience impulsive feelings and underlying anger as if I’m ready to explode. The sensation is uncomfortable and confrontational. I primarily feel it in my head, shoulders, chest, and lower stomach. I’ve redefined anxiety as “energy that needs to move.” It’s trapped fear that triggers an alarm bell, signaling that something needs to change. After trying various medications for anxiety, I was unsuccessful at finding something that worked for me – So I began exploring new options and became an “anxiety detective.”

Over the past couple of years, I’ve understood that much of my suffering stems from my thoughts. Many anxieties arise from the stories I tell myself and the outdated narratives I have held for decades, which need to be discarded because they are untrue. Another significant hurdle has been my tendency toward all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. This mindset has led me to set unrealistic goals that I could never meet, often resulting in disappointment.

Over time, I recognized that I was running from something, but what was it? Initially, I thought I was addicted to starting over, but I realized I was actually afraid of sitting with myself. I ran from state to state, relationship to relationship, doctor to doctor, and job to job—Hell, I even ran marathons. During an intense mushroom trip, I uncovered the root of my struggle: shame and pain. I had carried these feelings with me for decades, unaware of their presence. My trauma was suffocating me. The further I pushed it down, the more it fought to explode outward. 

My previous coping mechanisms were no longer effective. I knew that if I continued doing what I had always done, I would keep getting the same outcomes: severe anxiety, addiction, depression, mania, and obsessive chaos. I gradually realized I was just one choice away from a new life and needed to make new decisions. I became ready to confront my past and let it go for good, but first, I had to shine a light on my darkness.

Much of my fear originated from the bipolar diagnosis I received at 20. Before that, I was a happy, energetic, and driven teenager—someone in denial about depression. I genuinely believed that depression was an excuse for laziness until it hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, I could no longer control my brain or emotions. I was overwhelmed by crying spells that wouldn’t cease, no matter what I tried. I felt embarrassed to go out publicly and compelled to seek help. Consequently, my doctor prescribed an antidepressant, which led to suicidal ideation and my first hospitalization.

I tried dozens of medications, many of which had horrible side effects, and ended up in seven different psychiatric wards across the country. Each time I tried a new pill, I had no idea who I would wake up as the following day. It was a nightmare. As I learned more about bipolar disorder and the mental health field, I became aware of the dangers of excessive psychiatric medication. Instead of trying one medication at a time, doctors would put me on multiple drugs at the same time, called pill cocktails. I had no idea what med was doing what, and I felt utterly insane and unable to lead a safe productive life. Taking excessive medication stole years of my life from me. It took me almost a decade to find one proper medication, and it took me years to get off the seven other ones I was on. 

Eventually, I was ready to confront the root of my issues rather than trying to cover them up with substance abuse. However, I faced a significant problem: I was far from healthy. I clung to my bad habits and addictions, ignoring the distress signals from my body for years. The louder my body cried for help, the more I resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb myself. Admitting that my lifestyle choices were causing my crippling anxiety and poor mental health was a struggle. I kept thinking that if I could just find the right pill and change my environment, things would improve. But I was wrong. If I wanted lasting change, I had to work on what I carried everywhere: my brain.

I finally mustered the courage to change my ways in my late twenties. I got sober curious and began using the free “I Am Sober” app to track my sobriety streaks. First, I quit cigarettes, then pills, followed by alcohol, and finally, weed. As I removed these vices from my life, I genuinely believed that losing weight and getting sober would solve all my problems. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. The more weight I lost, the more sensitive I became. My anxiety escalated from a hum to a scream. Months passed, and I had to face the reality that excessive caffeine and artificial sugar were damaging my mental and physical health. I needed to learn how to balance my last guilty pleasures.

Two of the leading causes of anxiety are dehydration and blood sugar spikes. As I learned more about this, I began to monitor everything I put in my mouth that could raise my anxiety levels. I started by switching from coffee to tea, which significantly helped my anxiety. I mostly drink green or black tea in the mornings and have coffee a couple of times a week for my writing projects. I also drink a gallon of water a day with some electrolytes. Hydration is the number one anti-anxiety tool. 

For most of my life, I had been a sugar addict, slowly rotting myself from the inside out. In my 30s I realized I was digging my own grave with my teeth. I had to hit rock bottom dozens of times before I began making fundamental changes. I learned that cutting down on artificial sugar is one of the best things you can do for your health, but it was a battle. As I tried to cut sugar, I found myself in a vicious cycle of quitting and relapsing. I would avoid sugar entirely and then have sugar binges. So now, instead of trying to eliminate artificial sugars 100%, I do my best to moderate it.

I have learned a couple of tricks that help reduce blood sugar crashes, which lead to anxiety. One is to always eat first; I don’t have sugar on an empty stomach. Two, have a shot of apple cider vinegar with water before you eat a sweet treat. Third, I incorporate coconut oil into my hot morning beverage to help balance my blood sugar levels. I have found these three things to be immensely valuable. 

What worsens my anxiety? Eating too much sugar, being sedentary, excessive caffeine consumption, lack of sleep, nicotine use, too much screen time, constant rumination, unhealthy relationships, alcohol, dehydration, toxic workplaces, smoking weed, social media, stimulants, negative relationships, and the news.

What helps my anxiety? Staying hydrated with water and electrolytes, taking L-theanine, meditation and breathwork, ice baths, sauna sessions, switching from coffee to tea, participating in wellness challenges, yoga nidra guided body scans, walking, a low-sugar diet high in fiber and protein, CBD, talk therapy, adding coconut oil to my tea or coffee, taking breaks from social media and the news, doing yoga, intermittent fasting, reiki, magnesium, reading, neurofeedback therapy, lifting weights, kava, massage, writing, spending time in nature, joining support groups, running, being social, going to work, and biking. I am also open to trying DBT therapy, craniosacral therapy, TMS therapy, and ketamine in the future.

Throughout my struggles, I was aware that I wasn’t alone in facing severe anxiety and sugar addiction. Our society is structured around bad habits that make us mentally and physically ill for profit. As I explored America’s war on anxiety, I discovered that over 75% of the items in grocery stores are laced with sugar, over 90% of Americans are inflamed, and 70% of us are chronically dehydrated. We are indeed in a battle, especially since many of us live in our pain body and are unconscious and not aware of our actions. Unawareness felt blissful for a while, but eventually, it became hell. I knew the key to peace was in the work I was avoiding. 

Instead of rushing into the next decade, I paused for the first time. Running from my own thoughts felt like complete insanity. It was time to be strong enough to sit with my pain and shame. To move into a peaceful place, I had to get the poison out of my body, chemically and mentally. Eventually, I realized I didn’t need more medication; I needed meditation.

I began my meditation practice about five years ago, but my commitment has fluctuated, just like my sobriety journey. As I adopted a daily morning meditation routine, I transitioned from having no awareness to feeling overwhelmed by insights. It was a difficult journey, filled with painful realizations that surfaced during moments of stillness. I often didn’t feel safe with myself and frequently felt tempted to escape through substance use rather than embrace mindfulness. At that time, I lacked adequate coping skills, but gradually, I began to develop them. The quiet used to terrify me, but now I crave it.

After about three weeks of practicing ten minutes of morning meditation daily, I noticed a difference in my mind. In the past, my intense thoughts would sweep me away into anxiety storms, but gradually, I learned to observe my thoughts rather than drown in them. I envision myself taking out the garbage, filled with old negative thoughts, and releasing outdated stories like helium balloons. I imagined my toxic thoughts as leaves blowing away from my life—goodbye. I also started attending Buddhist recovery meetings, which provided kind community support.

Previously, it felt like I had a rock stuck in my shoe, but instead of removing the rock, I took a pill to alleviate the pain. I never addressed the root of my problems; I avoided them. Ultimately, it all boiled down to one question: Did I want bad habits or good mental and physical health? At first, I chose my comfortable, unhealthy behaviors because I was scared of change. I was terrified of getting to know myself. However, like anything new, the more I practiced, the easier it became.

Now, I know not to trust my bad moods. When I feel anxious, I check in with myself to determine what changes I need to make. Anxiety signals that something isn’t working. I used to mask it with pills, food, and substances, but the anxiety only grew louder. Now, I harness it as energy and guidance. When I experience high anxiety, I first drink water and start moving my body. I’ve realized that exercise helps alleviate my anxious tendencies and allows me to enjoy life more fully. After a good workout, I always feel better, calmer, and more energized. I incorporate as many healthy lifestyle habits as I can to manage my mental health.

I take a prescription antipsychotic called Seroquel (400 mg) to help manage my bipolar disorder. This medication stabilizes my mood and prevents the severe manic and depressive episodes I’ve experienced. While the pill is helpful, I find that without a healthy lifestyle, I suffer immensely. During tough times when I crave a quick fix, I remind myself that in a nation obsessed with pharmaceuticals, no pill can replace the benefits of good sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet. Anxiety can also wreak havoc on sleep routines. Often, we don’t find quiet time to reflect until we hit the pillow at night when the never-ending thought loops begin. When I struggle to wind down, I find guided body scans on YouTube, specifically in Yoga Nidra.

It has taken me 35 years to reach a good and stable place in my life. I gradually improved my existence by cleaning up my diet and adopting healthy strategies. Over time, my anxiety slowly melted away. I must admit, it initially felt strange to experience calmness. I had been so accustomed to living in extremes that moderation felt dull. Since chaos was all I knew, the peace I found seemed uninteresting. This newfound boredom led to relapses into unhealthy habits involving sugar and cannabis. I had developed an addiction to seeking out the thrill of doing reckless things, which might sound silly, but it’s true. The key to changing my behavior was learning how to sit quietly with myself. At times, it felt like absolute torture, but gradually, I got used to it.

Why am I so determined to change my life for the better? The answer is simple: Everyday I am aware that I have a monster inside of my brain. I know that if I don’t prioritize my mental and physical health, that monster will return and try to destroy my life again. This monster represents my closest friend and worst enemy: bipolar disorder. When I was not in control, it nearly killed me several times, but not anymore. I have learned to be more in control of my thoughts, choices, routines, and the overall flow of my life. This journey is far from easy, but it is gratifying. All the effort I invest in myself pays off in the long run and lasts a lifetime. 

My current daily routine varies, but it typically looks like this:

– Sleep from 12:00 AM to 8:30 AM

– Wake up and use a red light mask for 15 minutes

– Meditate for 10 minutes

– Drink spring water with pink Himalayan salt

– Have super greens powder mixed with lemon

– Consume green tea with unsweetened almond milk and maple syrup

– Read 10 pages of a paperback book

– Take an 8-minute ice bath

– Workout for 45 minutes

– Use the sauna two times a week

– Work from 4:00 PM to 10:00 PM

– Drink a gallon of filtered or spring water each day w/ electrolytes 

– Eat a Paleo Mediterranean diet rich in fermented foods

– Supplement with fish oil, magnesium, turmeric, vitamin D3-K2, fiber, garlic, and probiotics

– Shower and complete a skincare routine

– Attend a Buddhist recovery meeting each week

Sometimes, our biggest struggles are actually our greatest gifts. We grow during hard times, not during easy ones. As I’ve said previously, if you are struggling, remember you are just one choice away from a better life. Set a new goal and pursue it. I believe in you. Be braver than your own bullshit. YOU CAN DO IT!